Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
