Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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