my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
