you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
