dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
