how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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