yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
