One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
how does that bad decision feel?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
