I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
