so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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