Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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