Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
