I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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