the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
