dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
