I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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