hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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