He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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