I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize