Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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