Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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