The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am available for nakedness
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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