Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
