what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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