you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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