for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The power of my boobs compel you
Floor bacon is actually really good
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
