oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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