watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
