So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
