Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
