No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
