i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
