I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
