if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
