dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
