For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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