last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You are a genius and a whore.
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