you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
