So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
