Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
