i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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