Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
