Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
