My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
