Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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