i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
