The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
