He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
