No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish life had little blips of pornography
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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