tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
