You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize