I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
