my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
