Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Randomize
