; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do