I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?