i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Dating After Heartbreak
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.