The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wear drunk well.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
