I think I won the penis lottery.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
